Resolution: become what you might have been

“It’s never too late to become what you might have been.”
- George Eliot

It's been more than twenty four hours since the clock struck 2012. What are your New Years resolutions? I've been asked a few times in the past week.  Growing up, I remember resolutions were more like wishes- dreams without boundaries.  As I got a little older, I learned that resolutions should be measurable, so we can evaluate, at the end of that year, whether we actually succeeded in achieving them.  And I probably taught this same concept to my students when I became a teacher. Actually, I know I did. As an adult, my resolutions became more practical, making sure that they helped move me towards a 'successful' life. 

But what does success really mean? And how did my resolutions become more closed in, stifling, as if backed up against a wall, rather than open to all the possibilities that exist out there? 'Success' means different things to different people. Yet, over the years, somehow, I got caught up in other people's idea of success- my family's, my peers', society's - which was leading me to lose that dreaminess I had as a child, the dreaminess that told me which resolutions were truly my own.  And so, I'd start off with the best of intentions in the new year- to go to the gym four times a week, or experiment with a new recipe each month, or go on more dates with guys who were in the ‘right’ kind of careers.  The enthusiasm would last for maybe a few months into the year. But slowly, my efforts would dwindle away until once again, that same resolution got added to the list for the following year, in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, that would be the year it would all become realized.

I'm sure I've gotten down on myself for not achieving these goals. It's hard not to feel like a failure when it seems like you're incapable of sticking to one thing, of making it come to fruition.  But then I thought, well, I know I'm not lazy, and I'm trying, I really am. So.. why can't I get it? If I want these things that badly, why can't I figure out how to achieve them?  And then another thought occurred to me- Do I really want them that badly? I mean, yes, I want to be able to cook better, and find a supportive significant other.  But what was the real purpose behind the choices I was making for my resolutions?  Why was my goal to go to the gym four times a week? To get in shape.  But why did I think it had to happen at the gym? 

I didn't end up making it to the gym even once a week over the past year, but instead, I took more seriously something that I was already doing, and really enjoyed- dancing.  And through dancing, and wanting to improve my core and balance, I found something that probably got me into better shape than I’ve been in a long time- kickboxing.  So I realized that maybe I needed to rethink what it is that I really wanted, or at least rethink how I wanted to get there.

Why did I want to experiment with new recipes? Because many of my friends are great cooks and I thought that I should be one? Because I'm female and Indian, and who ever heard of an Indian female who wasn’t great in the kitchen?  And was going out on dates with guys who weren’t really my type making me happy?  No, but pressure from family and society was telling me that it was 'wrong' for me to be a single girl in my 30's, and I needed to find a more ‘suitable’ match, .Suitable for who, though? When I really looked at my choices, and the things I thought I was failing to achieve, I came to realize that I wasn't really giving myself a fair chance, because I was choosing things that weren't truly at the top of my own list.  I had just pulled them off of other people's lists, or an imaginary list which I thought I needed to get through.

And I came to see that when the resolutions are not truly our own, we have less of a drive to make them a reality, to make them last.  And so, inevitably, we ‘fail’ at completing them.

So how do we find out what we really want, especially when the words of others, from society and friends and family have become so engrained in us that we can't clearly separate our own desires from those of others?  My suggestion is to imagine you are given a second chance, to live your life exactly the way you want it. Forget about your age, or that your sister once told you that you couldn't sing, or that you don't have the money to travel across the world, or you don't have the time to take those painting classes while taking care of kids and a family.  Think big, think without worrying about what you believe you can or can't do. Think about what you truly desire. What would you like your life to look like if nothing was holding you back?

"Hope is a dangerous thing," I recently heard in a movie. And yes, it can be scary to dream about what your life could look like, without any obstacles, because you fear that as soon as you wake up from the dream, reality will hit you and sadden you, reminding you that none of those dreams are a ‘possibility’. But would it be better to wake up towards the end of your life and regret all the things you wish you had at least tried? 

There is a poem called If I Had My Life to Live Over by Nadine Stair that reminds me of this very idea.

 If I Had My Life To Live Over- by Nadine Stair

If I had my life to live over
I'd dare to make more mistakes next time.
I'd relax, I would limber up.
I would be sillier than I have been this trip.
I would take fewer things seriously.
I would take more chances.

I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers.
I would eat more ice cream and less beans.
I would perhaps have more actual troubles,
but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I'm one of those people who live
sensibly and sanely hour after hour,
day after day.

Oh, I've had my moments,
And if I had it to do over again,
I'd have more of them.
In fact, I'd try to have nothing else.
Just moments, one after another,
instead of living so many years ahead of each day.

I've been one of those people who never goes anywhere
without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat
and a parachute.
If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than I have.

If I had my life to live over,
I would start barefoot earlier in the spring
and stay that way later in the fall.
I would go to more dances.
I would ride more merry-go-rounds.
I would pick more daisies.

Apparently, the author was eighty five years old when she wrote it.  The poem is a reflection on what could have been- a tone of sadness and regret runs throughout it.  It's a reminder of that dreaded what if? that can haunt us many years or even a lifetime after the event that first started it.
 
I decided I didn’t want to look back in my eighties or even now and suffer over regret.  So, a few years ago, I took some time to write my own version of Stair’s poem- my own If I Had My Life to Live Over piece. 

If I Had My Life To Live Over- by Tasleem

If I had my life to live over,
I would spend more time at coffee shops,
And less time worrying.
I would read more novels in bed,
And kiss deeper.
I would think less
and feel more.

I would prance around in my pyjamas in the morning
and lay under the stars at night.
I would look you straight in the eyes when we speak,
and I would shed more tears in front of friends.
I would touch more hearts,
give longer hugs,
and spend more time holding my mom’s hand.

If I had my life to live over,
I would get more massages,
give more passion,
and smile with an open heart.

I would take deeper breaths,
inhaling all the life and love around me.
I would play more with my niece,
twirl her around just to hear that laugh, so sweet.
I’d sit at the dinner table with family,
and share more secrets with my brother, just him and me.

If I had my life to live over,
I’d lean my head on my cousin’s shoulder,
play with her hair the way she used to do with mine,
and write about our adventures in Gastown and Kilimanjaro.

I would wake up to Corinne Bailey Rae
and sleep to Sade.
I’d spend the day feeling John Mayer’s
Heart of Life…” so good. I know it’s good”.

If I could live my life over,
I’d give India Arie the poem I wrote about her,
And confess to that guy how crazy I am about him.

I would contemplate Rumi each day,
and learn about the Sufi ways.

I would use this voice,
and not just in the shower.
Got to sing my own song,

Ain’t that right, Joss Stone?
I love that one where you bluntly admit
that you’re just so damn tired of his shit.
Your laugh and the line “that’s a keeper,… b*&#h!”
have to be the most liberating bits.

Go, Jossy!
If I had my life to live over,
Ya, I would be that bold and saucy.

And I would dance, dance, dance
-tango, salsa and blues…
I’d dance every dance.. maybe country too,
as the rhythm of life in me grew.

And once it reached me deep in my soul,
I would touch everyone I know.
I would become Miss Midas
-turning hatred into hearts of gold.

If I had my life to live over,
I’d let my body surrender
to the blowing of the wind.
-with the trees I’d sway.
I’d let oceans guide me,
Carefree
-a fluid spirit among the waves.
Tasleem ©

Without realizing it at the time, my version of the poem became my list of New Year and New Life Resolutions for that year and years to come.  Now, looking back at it after a couple of years, I can genuinely smile at myself for I have made many of the parts of the poem a reality since then.  For example, I make more of a conscious effort to look at people in the eyes – even if it’s the grocery guy at the check out at Save on Foods, or the teller at the bank- when I am speaking to them, just as I described in my poem.  And two  dreams I thought I would never have the guts to do or never get the opportunity to do came true in 2011: I gave India Arie the poem I wrote her, and I actually gave it to her personally, and I told, or at least showed, ‘that guy’ how crazy I am about him.  Neither Arie’s nor the guy’s reactions were what I hoped for. But now, looking back, I am relieved I didn’t get stuck with that guy. And I realized that other people’s reactions was not what was important.  After accomplishing two of the harder things on my list/poem, I felt like the rest was easier. And I gained the strength that made me feel like I could accomplish anything I wanted after that.

So now it’s your turn.  Write your own If I Had My Life To Live Over piece starting with that line. And whenever you get stuck, rewrite the line again and it will jog your subconscious to remember what lays deep inside you.  Choose to express it however you like: write a poem, rhyming or without rhymes, a list, bullet points, sketches, mind mapping, a letter to yourself, tell a friend, speak it in a recorder, paint it, or sing it! 

For there is magic in seeing down on paper, or canvas or in a song, and showing you and the universe, what your real dreams are made of.  Something shifts, something hears your wishes, and the world really does conspire to make dreams a reality when you let them.  Even in just the process of getting your ideas down, you might just surprise yourself by what comes out of you, what gets put on your list. Sometimes, you don't even realize which dreams are hidden inside you until you make the time to allow them the freedom to emerge on that page or canvas or tune. You might learn something new about yourself you didn't know.  And the most important part is that it’s all you.  It’s your list, and no one else’s.

And when something on the list strikes the right chord in your heart, it is hard to break that beat.  Something starts singing inside of you, keeps you moving towards the goal.  And then a new kind of perseverance and drive emerges, one that can't be stopped or shoved aside any longer. You don't have to try to get this thing done, and force yourself to practise it each day, or force yourself to make time for it.  It will be such a driving force in you that you will look for it everywhere- opportunities to make it happen. And it will also come to you and find you, when it knows you want it that badly.  When you feel something so deeply, something that makes you so happy, something that fulfills you in this way, you won't allow it to dwindle away after a few months.  This firing up of new or old dreams, that probably was and is always there for you to snatch up, is a great way to start up a new year, and quite possibly, a "new" life. I know it was just that for me.

And now, after being able to cross off much of the list on that old poem version of mine, I'm ready to create a new version of my If I Could Live My Life Over poem.

While you record yours, I’ll rewrite mine.  And together, we will find what truly moves us as individuals so that we can start the new year with resolutions that will last.

Happy New Year to all of you!