"Heartache is inevitable in relationships." That's what a friend of mine wrote to me a few days ago, after feeling broken hearted over a girl who did not return the same feelings of love he offered her.
And when relationships pile up like this, it can be exhausting, and discouraging and difficult to see anything but a connection between love and hurt. It can be difficult to keep believing in the dream relationships we once did. But I think these painful relationships are lessons that need to be learned in order to appreciate the ones that are pleasurable and "painfree", so to speak, the relationships that are still to come. Past relationships help us to learn about people, to learn about ourselves, to gain experience and insight into the workings of relationships, and to figure out what we want for ourselves and with another person... to teach us how strong we can be. And also when to admit to our weaknesses and vulnerabilities.
But there is a reason they are in the past.
If those relationships hurt, but were in the past and did not last, instead of concluding that ALL relationships involve pain and heartache, I believe that the ones that are the RIGHT ones that we can look forward to in the future.... well, simply.... don't. I mean, they don't hurt. How did we get to the point where we think that pain and love go hand in hand?
Don't get me wrong, I do think that relationships require effort, and are not easy in the sense that everything doesn't just come out perfectly every day, throughout the partnership. But associating heartache with loving, meaningful, relationships, as if all are destined to end in tragedy, is to me completely forgetting what is so beautiful about relationships in the first place.
How many more positive relationships would exist if we changed our thinking and learned from, and then let go of, those relationships that involved pain and heartache, and instead, believed in and looked for the kind that help us grow and heal and make us feel good about ourselves and the world around us?
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"Stevie beautiful, Stevie powerful, Stevie spiritual, Stevie Wonderful. Stevie Wonderful." -India Arie in Wonderful- her tribue to Stevie Wonder
In my last entry, I wrote about one of my favorite singer/songwriters India Arie. One of her heroes and good friends is the legendary Stevie Wonder. In one of her concerts, Arie let the audience in on some of Stevie's insights into love. One day, when India Arie must have been going through a rough time over a guy, she confided in Stevie Wonder. "Even though the man is blind," explained India, "Stevie has this way of looking you right in the eyes when he wants to say something to you and ensure you're listening." So on this day, Stevie Wonder squared himself right in front of India, leaned his head towards her face so that he was looking straight at her, put one hand on each of her shoulders and said, "India, remember one thing: LOVE SHOULD NOT HURT."
He Heals Me
Therapy
I could empathize, I could understand, and I could definitely relate to my friend's sentiments, but I refused to agree. Yes, some of my past relationships involved some sort of heartache: either because of mistrust, of jealousy, of simply growing apart, or it was just plain bad timing in general. And quite simply, this.... well, HURT- ...either both, or one of us.
And when relationships pile up like this, it can be exhausting, and discouraging and difficult to see anything but a connection between love and hurt. It can be difficult to keep believing in the dream relationships we once did. But I think these painful relationships are lessons that need to be learned in order to appreciate the ones that are pleasurable and "painfree", so to speak, the relationships that are still to come. Past relationships help us to learn about people, to learn about ourselves, to gain experience and insight into the workings of relationships, and to figure out what we want for ourselves and with another person... to teach us how strong we can be. And also when to admit to our weaknesses and vulnerabilities.
But there is a reason they are in the past.
If those relationships hurt, but were in the past and did not last, instead of concluding that ALL relationships involve pain and heartache, I believe that the ones that are the RIGHT ones that we can look forward to in the future.... well, simply.... don't. I mean, they don't hurt. How did we get to the point where we think that pain and love go hand in hand?
Don't get me wrong, I do think that relationships require effort, and are not easy in the sense that everything doesn't just come out perfectly every day, throughout the partnership. But associating heartache with loving, meaningful, relationships, as if all are destined to end in tragedy, is to me completely forgetting what is so beautiful about relationships in the first place.
How many more positive relationships would exist if we changed our thinking and learned from, and then let go of, those relationships that involved pain and heartache, and instead, believed in and looked for the kind that help us grow and heal and make us feel good about ourselves and the world around us?
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"Stevie beautiful, Stevie powerful, Stevie spiritual, Stevie Wonderful. Stevie Wonderful." -India Arie in Wonderful- her tribue to Stevie Wonder
They were just four simple words, but there was a silence that fell in that room for a few seconds, as the words of Stevie Wonder, words that rung truth, were shared by Arie. I thought, why is this concept such a novelty? Somewhere along the line, maybe because of tragic love stories, or sad romantic movies, or negative relationship experiences, people have brought all of the stories together to come to the conclusion that love hurts. Yes, it does, if it's the wrong kind of love. But I believe the right kind, just clicks. It's "easy", or easier in the sense that people communicate in it, they understand each other, and even when they don't agree, they resolve to listen, to express what their feeling, and simply be honest.
This kind of love, no matter how it ends, can only be healing, supportive, and freeing, not hurtful.
Stevie Wonder's insights on this, his influence on India Arie's life, as well as Arie's deep faith in God's love, rolls over into much of her lyrics. She sums up this healthy type of love, the kind that builds and nurtures and protects, in two of her songs on her Love and Politics album: He Heals Me, and Therapy. The lyrics are a reminder for us to get back to the dream that love, real love, is enjoyable, fun, freeing and involves happiness, that we don't have to hide from love because of the pain it causes, but be open to it, for the therapy and growth it provides.
He Heals Me
Therapy
(There is one kind of "pain" that I might be okay in accepting in love these days. John Mayer says it perfectly when he sings, "You look so good it hurts sometimes" in Your Body Is a Wonderland. Yah, I could gladly let that kind slide or sneak in to love sometimes :p)
